Today, is NOT a good day! ( Neither was last night or the two days before!)
A lowness has settled upon me, and its been like walking slowly through sticky mud, just to get out and about. It is a persistent, cloying, unmoveable flatness of mood, that seemed to seep in from nowhere. I can't muster real enthusiasm for anything. Nevertheless, I have been here before, I know it will pass, so I get up and get on. I took a walk along the river front (London, the Thames) and everything looked darker and overwhelming. The buildings loomed over me.
My partner, P, asks me about it. I told her that I would just like to feel hopeful about something, anything.
On the face of it, I do have some reason to be down; I am not working, and my best efforts to get work have not produced a result. Paranoid reasons form in my mind to explain it away; e.g. I'm too old and everyone is ageist; No one gives a fuck anyway; My skills are unwanted
etc etc. I find plenty of reasons to blame myself too; e.g. I don't try hard enough; If I had REALLY wanted to get work I would have done it by now; other more effective people would have got work by now, etc etc.
The truth is, I know my depressive tendencies are ticking away here. Being alone so much in the day, and not in contact with working people, I have too much time, and in that space I clearly see my depressive thinking at work.
I am familiar with this flatness. Years ago, in my second period of more serious depression, I remember visiting my doctor ( a revolution in itself for me at that time ) and being able to read his private notes about me, which were upside down on his desk. (I'm very good at that!!) He described me as a "gentleman with a very flat presentation". Its a kind of emptiness. I still manage to get out, and remain active, but I am disconnected and distant from what I am doing. I prefer this flatness to its alternative; which is being overwhelmed by lowness. In fact its probably an adaptive protection. Its worse when I am in crowded places; like trains. Then, I find myself feeling increasingly sad and tearful, and overwhelmed by the crowd and usually, I have to get off and find an emptier train.
Anyway, I know this flatness like an old friend. I know what I must do. I must recognise that it is an unreal view of the world, and it will pass. It is simply my response to the situation I am in. I have to do simple things; eat well; sleep regularly; exercise; dont take on too much but dont ; stop completely; pace myself; give myself positive feedback; don't make important decisions whilst thinking depressively; and don't lunge after easy answers.
Here is my mood rating for the day (where 1 =very low and 10= very happy); 4.
Back soon, and hopefully in happier frame of mind!!
A lowness has settled upon me, and its been like walking slowly through sticky mud, just to get out and about. It is a persistent, cloying, unmoveable flatness of mood, that seemed to seep in from nowhere. I can't muster real enthusiasm for anything. Nevertheless, I have been here before, I know it will pass, so I get up and get on. I took a walk along the river front (London, the Thames) and everything looked darker and overwhelming. The buildings loomed over me.
My partner, P, asks me about it. I told her that I would just like to feel hopeful about something, anything.
On the face of it, I do have some reason to be down; I am not working, and my best efforts to get work have not produced a result. Paranoid reasons form in my mind to explain it away; e.g. I'm too old and everyone is ageist; No one gives a fuck anyway; My skills are unwanted
etc etc. I find plenty of reasons to blame myself too; e.g. I don't try hard enough; If I had REALLY wanted to get work I would have done it by now; other more effective people would have got work by now, etc etc.
The truth is, I know my depressive tendencies are ticking away here. Being alone so much in the day, and not in contact with working people, I have too much time, and in that space I clearly see my depressive thinking at work.
I am familiar with this flatness. Years ago, in my second period of more serious depression, I remember visiting my doctor ( a revolution in itself for me at that time ) and being able to read his private notes about me, which were upside down on his desk. (I'm very good at that!!) He described me as a "gentleman with a very flat presentation". Its a kind of emptiness. I still manage to get out, and remain active, but I am disconnected and distant from what I am doing. I prefer this flatness to its alternative; which is being overwhelmed by lowness. In fact its probably an adaptive protection. Its worse when I am in crowded places; like trains. Then, I find myself feeling increasingly sad and tearful, and overwhelmed by the crowd and usually, I have to get off and find an emptier train.
Anyway, I know this flatness like an old friend. I know what I must do. I must recognise that it is an unreal view of the world, and it will pass. It is simply my response to the situation I am in. I have to do simple things; eat well; sleep regularly; exercise; dont take on too much but dont ; stop completely; pace myself; give myself positive feedback; don't make important decisions whilst thinking depressively; and don't lunge after easy answers.
Here is my mood rating for the day (where 1 =very low and 10= very happy); 4.
Back soon, and hopefully in happier frame of mind!!
1 comment:
I am not qualified to say anything on this subject, other than i hope you feel a bit brighter and lighter tomo!
Cheers
Claire
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