living with depression: suicidal thinking......perhaps not!

Monday, 11 December 2006

suicidal thinking......perhaps not!

Its Monday. Sunday, should have been great...(apart from the weather!)

On the surface, it was a good week-end, with a sunday afternoon meet for drinks and chat and eats, with interesting people in the TV and entertainment industry.

In reality, for me, there has been a rock solid unhappiness within me. Always there, no matter how many times I try to detract myself or get out of it. Of course, I worry that people can see it, or that it may lead people to think that I am just bloody dull or boring. It was impossible to ignore, and by the evening it had become overbearing. From the point of view of sunday evening, the world seemed endlessly dark, with no hope in sight at all. P is being very supportive at the moment, and she is brilliant at keeping it all in proportion. I take the comfort she offers when I can, but I also feel unlikeable, and I reactively think I should be a better partner for her.

On several occasions I thought about suicide. I had to think carefully before putting that in this blog, because people can get very worried about such thoughts. I am quite familiar with my self, and I know that these fantasies are just that..fantasies, and they serve a purpose. They usually mark a turn around point, from which I normaly start climbing back up to a better state. They usually express the anger that I have, about my unhappiness. They put me back in control, funnily enough. It is as if, an adult part of me says "Ok, thats enough, get on with it, stop playing with fantasies and get on with reality"

Today, Monday, I did get on with it, and I attended an Interview (for work) and did well. It did my self esteem no end of good, and I'm better for it. Tonight I am out for a drink with friend S, and Sunday will be a fading memory. As always with these things, I will soon look back on it and think that it wasn't so bad after all. In fact it, was quite good! Amazing how memory buries all the crap!

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get positive...

You have to WANT to get out of a depression. But you have to work for it consistently and sensitively. Its a skill that that you have to aquire. Being positive, even temporarily, is a state that can be achieved when you need it. This is an exercise to help you get into that state. It takes about 30 minutes. Sit quietly and comfortably for 10 minutes and get as relaxed as possible. Bring into your mind, an image of someone you like. For five minutes, keep this image as much as you can and repeat some positive statements about them. ( e.g."I wish you well", "You are a great friend " etc). The image will fade, you'll forget what you are doing etc, but that is just because you are human, like all of us! Dont worry about it, just bring yourself back to the task , as its the effort and intention that matter. After that, choose an image of someone you don't know well, and do the same. Then, (here comes a challenge!) choose an image of someone you actively don't like, and struggle with, and do the same positive thinking. Then spend five minutes doing the same exercise with all of the people together in your mind. Achieving such positiveness against the grain of your feelings is a good achievement. Of course it may well fade..but hell you can do it again later. Its the regular intention and effort that matters, not the perfect achievement.

fighting depression...with strength!

Here's a couple of ways to deal with a low mood (depressed or not!) 1. EXERCISE! (its true..reasonable, regular exercise has been shown to elevate mood and can do so regularly) 2. ACTIVE MEDITATION. Spend a few minutes getting calm and focussed. Create an image in your mind of yourself, standing at the edge of the sea. As the waves come in, breathe in, and as they go out, breathe out. Then, imagine a clear, simple message coming forward with the waves, a message that you create; e.g "I am strong", or "I am creative". Breathe this message in as it rolls up the shore towards you, in the waves. Hold it in yourself when the wave rolls back out. Do it two or three times, until you REALLY feel it. Try another message. This can be done in short sessions of no more than 5 to 10 minutes, and is excellent at challenging the low self-esteem that we can suffer from, and for lifting the mood.

What's real...and what's not!

This an exercise that I developed after doing similar types of exercises myself, in dealing with my depressiveness. When we are thinking depressively, we make assumptions that are just not real, but we believe them to be true. For example, when in the bar with my friend S, I was buying a beer at the counter and a really interesting looking woman stood by me waiting her turn. I automaticaly assumed that her unsmiling face meant that she would not want to talk to me. (I overcame this defensive thought and we had a short but nice chat about the film she had just seen with her friend). Its normal for people to have some defensive thoughts, but its not good to be dominated by them. This exercise is quite simple; you come to the end of the day, and you sit down and write ten thoughts that you had that were defensive and needed to be checked. You then visualise each situation in turn and "challenge" the reality of it. Be careful not to become self critical (no "I should have..." solutions) In this way you can open up other possibilities in the suituations, that are not so depressive or self denying. For example, in the situation that I described above, i could write... "There is no reason to believe that anyone who does not know me, would not want to talk to me."

HOW depressed?

Everyone who has suffered from depression has their own story to tell of how it affected them and what it felt like. One way of getting to understand how your depression works, and to get some distance from it, is to rate it on a daily or weekly basis. Its quite simple; imagine a scale running from 1 to 10, where 1 is as low, and depressed as possible, and 10 is the happiest you could be. At the end of each day, give yourself an average rating for that day. Do it for a week or two. You could also add a short note describing what happened that day. You'll possibly discover what triggers your depressive feelings off, and if there is a pattern. I did this and was surprised to discover that I did not know what would rate as 5. What is half way between 1 and 10? Is there a feeling of neither sad or happy? I discovered that my depressive way of thinking tended to make me fill that empty space with low feelings, rather than have non at all!

playing with images....

Here's a way of learning about your depression that does not involve intense feeling or difficult sessions with a counsellor! Its quite playful, and it lets you establish a comfortable "relationship" with your depression that you can maintain. First, choose a medium that you like. e.g painting, photography, music, poetry etc. Second, set up a reasonable amount of time, say one hour, when you will be undisturbed, and have all the materials you want around you. Make the space comfortable, with lights, warm drinks etc. Third, spend up to ten minutes, no more, imagining what your depression would look like, (or sound like, depending on your media) and then go ahead and create it! Make a note (mentally or written) of whatever comes to mind as you work. Allow the image, sound, verse, words, to develop as you work. Don't worry about being right or wrong, skilled or not. We are not trying to create a masterpiece here! You may wish to give your creation a name or title. (Winston Churchill, the British Prime Minister did! He called it "...that black dog") Check out how your thoughts and feelings about your creation change or not over the next few days. If you are able to, take it to a counsellor or friend and talk it over with them. You can come back to your work and add more later. You may be surprised to discover, as I was, that there are positive aspects and values in your creation that contradict the view that depression is always a negative thing.