hallo everyone!
They say that this period after Xmas is the worst time for low feelings; and me and my partner P are certainly feeling it. Recently she has been struggling with a number of difficult things and she feels low. We were talking about the effect of all of this, and that was a relief, but also rather challenging, and it left us feeling sad. So we did a bit of self esteem building using a few of the exercises that are described in the adjacent column. It was rather lighthearted and positive.
There is a bit of a joke that we share; that two depressions cannot exist together in one space! If two of us are feeling down, there will be a sort of competition about who is the most unable to offer help.....and one ends up putting their feelings aside and supporting the other. If you are the one who ends up offering support, you can end up feeling rather resentful. One of the most difficult things to deal with is the fact that you may not have the ability, or energy, or desire to help the other. In an ideal world, we are perfect people who can heroically give unbounded love and support to our partners. In reality, we only have limited patience, care and love.
However, there is something in this. If we admit to the other that we cannot go as far as we want to with care and support for them, then they can face up to the reality that they must accept their own experiences and take the lead with dealing with them. This is difficult if we have low self esteem and self images, since we tend to believe that we are not being cared for because we are so bad, or unlovable. In reality, its just the limitations that the world has. its not personal. Just the way it is. Moreover, if we accept that our lovers and family, and friends cannot offer unbounded support, then neither can we to them when they are in need. We can only offer what we are capable of. And that is alright...but it feels very treacherous and full of betrayal. A hard thing to say.
I hope that me and P can get through this. I certainly feel that I can't offer her enough AT THE MOMENT.
See you again soon..leave comments please, and contact me by email if u want to on rgutsell2@yahoo.com.
Sunday 21 January 2007
Monday 8 January 2007
hi blog and bloggers....wherever u are!
Depression and families...they go together like egg and bacon (for breakfast!) Well, the first blog of the new year! I'm back home after a week spent with my parents, ( in France) and I am starting some temporary work, after having a long period off.
Its been nice to get in amongst all the familiar things again at home, and to be alone for a while, after spending so much time with people. That is a luxury that many don't have! I was in a cafe having a coffee this morning and two mothers came in for a break along with their young kids; it was quite amazing how they managed to juggle having a conversation with each other, whilst handling their kids, and their needs. I recalled what it was like when I was involved in that years ago, and it came to mind how their lives can be fulfilling, but also unremittingly demanding and dull. What discipline, application and continuous effort it requires.
I thought that with all of that effort, it would be unlikely that they had time to indulge themselves with thoughts about their selves or their lives. Crazy. I remembered being depressed as a hard working adult/parent, as much as when I was alone and had time to think and reflect.
Something that I always note about my depressiveness.......when I am alone and reflecting, I have a tendency to think depressively. Not abruptly or dramatically, just gently and pervasively, such that over time ( a day, 3-4 hours) I will start feeling low. Why is that? Why do I get depressed when alone? Going to see my parents and meeting my family, always reminds me of the patterns that developed as children. My family almost NEVER talk directly about any of their emotional lives, and experiences. They never have. But we sure knew how to communicate feelings with moods. We each of us developed our own way of coping with these tense situations, and mine was to go away in some way...leave the room...read a book....use the bathroom....and fantasise. Lots of daydreaming and fantasies. I still do it.
So, I can see why a depressed pattern might start. Feelings and experiences that need to be shared and resolved, and that are only coped with by going away. People ask me, did I enjoy my time in France with my parents and sisters etc? Its a difficult question to answer honestly, because the real answer would be "NO"!! But if I was asked do I love my mum and dad and sisters, the answer would be, of course, "yes". Why do we do that? why do we persist with relationships like that? Duty? For me, being depressive, its been challenging to think about my misanthropic experiences and thoughts.
For the past three years I have attended a weekly group. Its members have become my most trusted friends. In an attempt to get to the bottom of this, I asked them, "Do you LIKE coming here? Do you LIKE people? This was quite a funny challenge. We are so busy thinking and struggling with stuff, we forget to ask if we actually like each other.
I believe that my not "liking" people is a root cause of my depression. Liking, means enjoying being with them, and that means being able to stay with them in the relationship. And enjoying the intimacy....where is the next book...the bathroom....what can I dream about?....get me out of here!!
Pleae do leave your thoughts and reactions and comments. You can email me on r.gutsell@btinternet.com for more chat etc.
Robg
Its been nice to get in amongst all the familiar things again at home, and to be alone for a while, after spending so much time with people. That is a luxury that many don't have! I was in a cafe having a coffee this morning and two mothers came in for a break along with their young kids; it was quite amazing how they managed to juggle having a conversation with each other, whilst handling their kids, and their needs. I recalled what it was like when I was involved in that years ago, and it came to mind how their lives can be fulfilling, but also unremittingly demanding and dull. What discipline, application and continuous effort it requires.
I thought that with all of that effort, it would be unlikely that they had time to indulge themselves with thoughts about their selves or their lives. Crazy. I remembered being depressed as a hard working adult/parent, as much as when I was alone and had time to think and reflect.
Something that I always note about my depressiveness.......when I am alone and reflecting, I have a tendency to think depressively. Not abruptly or dramatically, just gently and pervasively, such that over time ( a day, 3-4 hours) I will start feeling low. Why is that? Why do I get depressed when alone? Going to see my parents and meeting my family, always reminds me of the patterns that developed as children. My family almost NEVER talk directly about any of their emotional lives, and experiences. They never have. But we sure knew how to communicate feelings with moods. We each of us developed our own way of coping with these tense situations, and mine was to go away in some way...leave the room...read a book....use the bathroom....and fantasise. Lots of daydreaming and fantasies. I still do it.
So, I can see why a depressed pattern might start. Feelings and experiences that need to be shared and resolved, and that are only coped with by going away. People ask me, did I enjoy my time in France with my parents and sisters etc? Its a difficult question to answer honestly, because the real answer would be "NO"!! But if I was asked do I love my mum and dad and sisters, the answer would be, of course, "yes". Why do we do that? why do we persist with relationships like that? Duty? For me, being depressive, its been challenging to think about my misanthropic experiences and thoughts.
For the past three years I have attended a weekly group. Its members have become my most trusted friends. In an attempt to get to the bottom of this, I asked them, "Do you LIKE coming here? Do you LIKE people? This was quite a funny challenge. We are so busy thinking and struggling with stuff, we forget to ask if we actually like each other.
I believe that my not "liking" people is a root cause of my depression. Liking, means enjoying being with them, and that means being able to stay with them in the relationship. And enjoying the intimacy....where is the next book...the bathroom....what can I dream about?....get me out of here!!
Pleae do leave your thoughts and reactions and comments. You can email me on r.gutsell@btinternet.com for more chat etc.
Robg
Thursday 21 December 2006
Xmas is coming.......
Thursday..and its getting busy. I've just had two days of work, the first in some time, and I'm glad to say that it all went well. I feel like I am in control of it, and I WANT to do it. Quite a novel experience that!
Today is a beautiful day...its foggy, and cold, and a bright wintry light over everything. Girl friend got up early and went for a walk, and came back with a cold face, and bright smile. I am just too groggy in the morning to do that! I had strange dreams last night, and I was restless. My work involved talking to two people who were trying to get access to services to help them come off alcohol and drugs, and both of then were very sad and low. I also went to my own therapy group last night, and that always means that I have strange dreams too, so perhaps it was not surprising.
I am glad to feel like I am back in control of my life. Soon I am off to stay with my parents and family for Xmas, which will be great for a couple of days, and then all of the old family habits and attitudes will re-emerge and then we will be like we are all children again! You know the feeling? Fun and moods, one after the other!
Maybe you are on this site because you get to experience some depression...and Xmas is coming! I hope that it is as good as it can be for you, and remember, that it always passes. (that is, Xmas AND the feelings!) Talk to someone, (if you can), and get busy, and act, and do some of the positive exercises that you can get from books and from this site.
So here is my mood rating for today........6!!
Leave your comments and/or e address and I Will be glad to get back to you!
Rob g
Today is a beautiful day...its foggy, and cold, and a bright wintry light over everything. Girl friend got up early and went for a walk, and came back with a cold face, and bright smile. I am just too groggy in the morning to do that! I had strange dreams last night, and I was restless. My work involved talking to two people who were trying to get access to services to help them come off alcohol and drugs, and both of then were very sad and low. I also went to my own therapy group last night, and that always means that I have strange dreams too, so perhaps it was not surprising.
I am glad to feel like I am back in control of my life. Soon I am off to stay with my parents and family for Xmas, which will be great for a couple of days, and then all of the old family habits and attitudes will re-emerge and then we will be like we are all children again! You know the feeling? Fun and moods, one after the other!
Maybe you are on this site because you get to experience some depression...and Xmas is coming! I hope that it is as good as it can be for you, and remember, that it always passes. (that is, Xmas AND the feelings!) Talk to someone, (if you can), and get busy, and act, and do some of the positive exercises that you can get from books and from this site.
So here is my mood rating for today........6!!
Leave your comments and/or e address and I Will be glad to get back to you!
Rob g
Wednesday 13 December 2006
How to be happy
Wednesday. I am stood by the pond on the local common, and enjoying the moment. The "pond" is really a small lake, with a large stand of old trees on an island in its midst. There is a clear, sharp, wintery light over everything, Everything is calm, and wild bird life is moving quietly in amongst the trees and on the water. There are two pairs of cormorants in attendance. One is stood on a low bare branch, just over the water, and spreading its wings so that it looks like a ragged black cross. Another is diving, and fishing, and it comes up with a fish in its beak and wolfs it back whole. There are a few fisherman sat around the waters edge patiently, humped black forms in waterproofs, and you can almost hear the frustrated groans as they observe the far superior hunter in action. For me, this is a good day. (Not for the fish!)
There are days, and moments, when I feel that I am "Peeping over the wall". That is to say, that I seem to have moved out of feeling low, and I can actually see, and experience, what it is like to be upbeat and interested in life, more than I usually can. "Peeping over the wall" into the adjacent realm of lighter being and feeling. I realised recently that what this means is that; firstly, I must have experienced such a state as I grew up, (otherwise, I would not be able to recognise it and feel it), and secondly, I must be experiencing it right there and then. (This might seem incredibly obvious to some, but when you think depressively, you turn over your thoughts so much, that you can actually lose touch with the here and now.)
So I stood for a while and enjoyed the place, and time. How brilliant that we can get four cormorants, normaly sea birds, to sit and feed in a city pond. Some one, probably an unknown council worker, is doing a brilliant job of improving our local environment.
How do I manage to move from feeling low to feeling lighter and happier? Beats me. Of course, its not an accident. It must be to do with the way that I have been dealing with life recently, but I wish I had a clearer answer.
My mood rating today; an optimistic 5.
Please do leave comments, and/or your e mail address. I will always answer, and welcome your contributions.
There are days, and moments, when I feel that I am "Peeping over the wall". That is to say, that I seem to have moved out of feeling low, and I can actually see, and experience, what it is like to be upbeat and interested in life, more than I usually can. "Peeping over the wall" into the adjacent realm of lighter being and feeling. I realised recently that what this means is that; firstly, I must have experienced such a state as I grew up, (otherwise, I would not be able to recognise it and feel it), and secondly, I must be experiencing it right there and then. (This might seem incredibly obvious to some, but when you think depressively, you turn over your thoughts so much, that you can actually lose touch with the here and now.)
So I stood for a while and enjoyed the place, and time. How brilliant that we can get four cormorants, normaly sea birds, to sit and feed in a city pond. Some one, probably an unknown council worker, is doing a brilliant job of improving our local environment.
How do I manage to move from feeling low to feeling lighter and happier? Beats me. Of course, its not an accident. It must be to do with the way that I have been dealing with life recently, but I wish I had a clearer answer.
My mood rating today; an optimistic 5.
Please do leave comments, and/or your e mail address. I will always answer, and welcome your contributions.
Monday 11 December 2006
suicidal thinking......perhaps not!
Its Monday. Sunday, should have been great...(apart from the weather!)
On the surface, it was a good week-end, with a sunday afternoon meet for drinks and chat and eats, with interesting people in the TV and entertainment industry.
In reality, for me, there has been a rock solid unhappiness within me. Always there, no matter how many times I try to detract myself or get out of it. Of course, I worry that people can see it, or that it may lead people to think that I am just bloody dull or boring. It was impossible to ignore, and by the evening it had become overbearing. From the point of view of sunday evening, the world seemed endlessly dark, with no hope in sight at all. P is being very supportive at the moment, and she is brilliant at keeping it all in proportion. I take the comfort she offers when I can, but I also feel unlikeable, and I reactively think I should be a better partner for her.
On several occasions I thought about suicide. I had to think carefully before putting that in this blog, because people can get very worried about such thoughts. I am quite familiar with my self, and I know that these fantasies are just that..fantasies, and they serve a purpose. They usually mark a turn around point, from which I normaly start climbing back up to a better state. They usually express the anger that I have, about my unhappiness. They put me back in control, funnily enough. It is as if, an adult part of me says "Ok, thats enough, get on with it, stop playing with fantasies and get on with reality"
Today, Monday, I did get on with it, and I attended an Interview (for work) and did well. It did my self esteem no end of good, and I'm better for it. Tonight I am out for a drink with friend S, and Sunday will be a fading memory. As always with these things, I will soon look back on it and think that it wasn't so bad after all. In fact it, was quite good! Amazing how memory buries all the crap!
Comments are always welcome! Leave your blog address as well!
On the surface, it was a good week-end, with a sunday afternoon meet for drinks and chat and eats, with interesting people in the TV and entertainment industry.
In reality, for me, there has been a rock solid unhappiness within me. Always there, no matter how many times I try to detract myself or get out of it. Of course, I worry that people can see it, or that it may lead people to think that I am just bloody dull or boring. It was impossible to ignore, and by the evening it had become overbearing. From the point of view of sunday evening, the world seemed endlessly dark, with no hope in sight at all. P is being very supportive at the moment, and she is brilliant at keeping it all in proportion. I take the comfort she offers when I can, but I also feel unlikeable, and I reactively think I should be a better partner for her.
On several occasions I thought about suicide. I had to think carefully before putting that in this blog, because people can get very worried about such thoughts. I am quite familiar with my self, and I know that these fantasies are just that..fantasies, and they serve a purpose. They usually mark a turn around point, from which I normaly start climbing back up to a better state. They usually express the anger that I have, about my unhappiness. They put me back in control, funnily enough. It is as if, an adult part of me says "Ok, thats enough, get on with it, stop playing with fantasies and get on with reality"
Today, Monday, I did get on with it, and I attended an Interview (for work) and did well. It did my self esteem no end of good, and I'm better for it. Tonight I am out for a drink with friend S, and Sunday will be a fading memory. As always with these things, I will soon look back on it and think that it wasn't so bad after all. In fact it, was quite good! Amazing how memory buries all the crap!
Comments are always welcome! Leave your blog address as well!
Friday 8 December 2006
fighting the depression
Hi visitor!
I've spent the last two days pulling myself out of a murky old lowness! Today...I am improved, and its all down to old and established changes that I can use. I'm not out of it completely; but I am certainly better. It feels a softer, lighter, state than the angry and edgey depression that I have been in.
P, (my g/f) and I went to a buddhist meditation session yesterday. We almost didn't. The idea of hauling ourselves out and into the cold, wet, murky London night was not very attractive. We decided that it would be good for us! (What a terrible reason to do things for!) The venue was challenging too; it was a temporary hut in a building site, with a stretched plastic/canvas roof. It snapped and lifted in the strong winds that we had last night. Since the heat was blowing out of the roof, we were offered blankets to cover ourselves with. If you had entered just then, you would have come across four shapeless heaps in a circle gathered around a small statue of the buddha in total silence.
We were guided in a meditation that focused on creating positive feelings and attitudes towards others, and given how I have been feeling, it was a useful practice to use. I've written it into the blog on the right hand panel.
I did some cold calling to find work, which I always find challenging, but today I ended up having some great chats with people about their work. I am glad to say that I have been contacted about some work in the next few weeks by an organisation that I was interviewed by three months ago. (about f£$%^&ing time too!) I used some of the exercises that I have written about on this blog this morning, and finaly, I took a sleeping pill to ensure that I got a good nights sleep without waking up in the early hours. (Which is what happens when you are depressed). I don't like using medication, but they are a useful tool when used sparingly.
So, today, I am better. About 4/5 on my mood scale.
The challenge is, to stay positive, keep active, eat well, sleep well, exercise, be sensitive, and do whats needed when required.
See you later. Comments are welcomed!
I've spent the last two days pulling myself out of a murky old lowness! Today...I am improved, and its all down to old and established changes that I can use. I'm not out of it completely; but I am certainly better. It feels a softer, lighter, state than the angry and edgey depression that I have been in.
P, (my g/f) and I went to a buddhist meditation session yesterday. We almost didn't. The idea of hauling ourselves out and into the cold, wet, murky London night was not very attractive. We decided that it would be good for us! (What a terrible reason to do things for!) The venue was challenging too; it was a temporary hut in a building site, with a stretched plastic/canvas roof. It snapped and lifted in the strong winds that we had last night. Since the heat was blowing out of the roof, we were offered blankets to cover ourselves with. If you had entered just then, you would have come across four shapeless heaps in a circle gathered around a small statue of the buddha in total silence.
We were guided in a meditation that focused on creating positive feelings and attitudes towards others, and given how I have been feeling, it was a useful practice to use. I've written it into the blog on the right hand panel.
I did some cold calling to find work, which I always find challenging, but today I ended up having some great chats with people about their work. I am glad to say that I have been contacted about some work in the next few weeks by an organisation that I was interviewed by three months ago. (about f£$%^&ing time too!) I used some of the exercises that I have written about on this blog this morning, and finaly, I took a sleeping pill to ensure that I got a good nights sleep without waking up in the early hours. (Which is what happens when you are depressed). I don't like using medication, but they are a useful tool when used sparingly.
So, today, I am better. About 4/5 on my mood scale.
The challenge is, to stay positive, keep active, eat well, sleep well, exercise, be sensitive, and do whats needed when required.
See you later. Comments are welcomed!
fighting the depression
Hi visitor!
I've spent the last two days pulling myself out of a murky old lowness! Today...I am improved, and its all down to old and established changes that I can use. I'm not out of it completely; but I am certainly better. It feels a softer, lighter, state than the angry and edgey depression that I have been in.
P, (my g/f) and I went to a buddhist meditation session yesterday. We almost didn't. The idea of hauling ourselves out and into the cold, wet, murky London night was not very attractive. We decided that it would be good for us! (What a terrible reason to do things for!) The venue was challenging too; it was a temporary hut in a building site, with a stretched plastic/canvas roof. It snapped and lifted in the strong winds that we had last night. Since the heat was blowing out of the roof, we were offered blankets to cover ourselves with. If you had entered just then, you would have come across four shapeless heaps in a circle gathered around a small statue of the buddha in total silence.
We were guided in a meditation that focused on creating positive feelings and attitudes towards others, and given how I have been feeling, it was a useful practice to use. I've written it into the blog on the right hand panel.
I did some cold calling to find work, which I always find challenging, but today I ended up having some great chats with people about their work. I am glad to say that I have been contacted about some work in the next few weeks by an organisation that I was interviewed by three months ago. (about f£$%^&ing time too!) I used some of the exercises that I have written about on this blog this morning, and finaly, I took a sleeping pill to ensure that I got a good nights sleep without waking up in the early hours. (Which is what happens when you are depressed). I don't like using medication, but they are a useful tool when used sparingly.
So, today, I am better. About 4/5 on my mood scale.
The challenge is, to stay positive, keep active, eat well, sleep well, exercise, be sensitive, and do whats needed when required.
See you later. Comments are welcomed!
I've spent the last two days pulling myself out of a murky old lowness! Today...I am improved, and its all down to old and established changes that I can use. I'm not out of it completely; but I am certainly better. It feels a softer, lighter, state than the angry and edgey depression that I have been in.
P, (my g/f) and I went to a buddhist meditation session yesterday. We almost didn't. The idea of hauling ourselves out and into the cold, wet, murky London night was not very attractive. We decided that it would be good for us! (What a terrible reason to do things for!) The venue was challenging too; it was a temporary hut in a building site, with a stretched plastic/canvas roof. It snapped and lifted in the strong winds that we had last night. Since the heat was blowing out of the roof, we were offered blankets to cover ourselves with. If you had entered just then, you would have come across four shapeless heaps in a circle gathered around a small statue of the buddha in total silence.
We were guided in a meditation that focused on creating positive feelings and attitudes towards others, and given how I have been feeling, it was a useful practice to use. I've written it into the blog on the right hand panel.
I did some cold calling to find work, which I always find challenging, but today I ended up having some great chats with people about their work. I am glad to say that I have been contacted about some work in the next few weeks by an organisation that I was interviewed by three months ago. (about f£$%^&ing time too!) I used some of the exercises that I have written about on this blog this morning, and finaly, I took a sleeping pill to ensure that I got a good nights sleep without waking up in the early hours. (Which is what happens when you are depressed). I don't like using medication, but they are a useful tool when used sparingly.
So, today, I am better. About 4/5 on my mood scale.
The challenge is, to stay positive, keep active, eat well, sleep well, exercise, be sensitive, and do whats needed when required.
See you later. Comments are welcomed!
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