Thursday..and its getting busy. I've just had two days of work, the first in some time, and I'm glad to say that it all went well. I feel like I am in control of it, and I WANT to do it. Quite a novel experience that!
Today is a beautiful day...its foggy, and cold, and a bright wintry light over everything. Girl friend got up early and went for a walk, and came back with a cold face, and bright smile. I am just too groggy in the morning to do that! I had strange dreams last night, and I was restless. My work involved talking to two people who were trying to get access to services to help them come off alcohol and drugs, and both of then were very sad and low. I also went to my own therapy group last night, and that always means that I have strange dreams too, so perhaps it was not surprising.
I am glad to feel like I am back in control of my life. Soon I am off to stay with my parents and family for Xmas, which will be great for a couple of days, and then all of the old family habits and attitudes will re-emerge and then we will be like we are all children again! You know the feeling? Fun and moods, one after the other!
Maybe you are on this site because you get to experience some depression...and Xmas is coming! I hope that it is as good as it can be for you, and remember, that it always passes. (that is, Xmas AND the feelings!) Talk to someone, (if you can), and get busy, and act, and do some of the positive exercises that you can get from books and from this site.
So here is my mood rating for today........6!!
Leave your comments and/or e address and I Will be glad to get back to you!
Rob g
Thursday, 21 December 2006
Wednesday, 13 December 2006
How to be happy
Wednesday. I am stood by the pond on the local common, and enjoying the moment. The "pond" is really a small lake, with a large stand of old trees on an island in its midst. There is a clear, sharp, wintery light over everything, Everything is calm, and wild bird life is moving quietly in amongst the trees and on the water. There are two pairs of cormorants in attendance. One is stood on a low bare branch, just over the water, and spreading its wings so that it looks like a ragged black cross. Another is diving, and fishing, and it comes up with a fish in its beak and wolfs it back whole. There are a few fisherman sat around the waters edge patiently, humped black forms in waterproofs, and you can almost hear the frustrated groans as they observe the far superior hunter in action. For me, this is a good day. (Not for the fish!)
There are days, and moments, when I feel that I am "Peeping over the wall". That is to say, that I seem to have moved out of feeling low, and I can actually see, and experience, what it is like to be upbeat and interested in life, more than I usually can. "Peeping over the wall" into the adjacent realm of lighter being and feeling. I realised recently that what this means is that; firstly, I must have experienced such a state as I grew up, (otherwise, I would not be able to recognise it and feel it), and secondly, I must be experiencing it right there and then. (This might seem incredibly obvious to some, but when you think depressively, you turn over your thoughts so much, that you can actually lose touch with the here and now.)
So I stood for a while and enjoyed the place, and time. How brilliant that we can get four cormorants, normaly sea birds, to sit and feed in a city pond. Some one, probably an unknown council worker, is doing a brilliant job of improving our local environment.
How do I manage to move from feeling low to feeling lighter and happier? Beats me. Of course, its not an accident. It must be to do with the way that I have been dealing with life recently, but I wish I had a clearer answer.
My mood rating today; an optimistic 5.
Please do leave comments, and/or your e mail address. I will always answer, and welcome your contributions.
There are days, and moments, when I feel that I am "Peeping over the wall". That is to say, that I seem to have moved out of feeling low, and I can actually see, and experience, what it is like to be upbeat and interested in life, more than I usually can. "Peeping over the wall" into the adjacent realm of lighter being and feeling. I realised recently that what this means is that; firstly, I must have experienced such a state as I grew up, (otherwise, I would not be able to recognise it and feel it), and secondly, I must be experiencing it right there and then. (This might seem incredibly obvious to some, but when you think depressively, you turn over your thoughts so much, that you can actually lose touch with the here and now.)
So I stood for a while and enjoyed the place, and time. How brilliant that we can get four cormorants, normaly sea birds, to sit and feed in a city pond. Some one, probably an unknown council worker, is doing a brilliant job of improving our local environment.
How do I manage to move from feeling low to feeling lighter and happier? Beats me. Of course, its not an accident. It must be to do with the way that I have been dealing with life recently, but I wish I had a clearer answer.
My mood rating today; an optimistic 5.
Please do leave comments, and/or your e mail address. I will always answer, and welcome your contributions.
Monday, 11 December 2006
suicidal thinking......perhaps not!
Its Monday. Sunday, should have been great...(apart from the weather!)
On the surface, it was a good week-end, with a sunday afternoon meet for drinks and chat and eats, with interesting people in the TV and entertainment industry.
In reality, for me, there has been a rock solid unhappiness within me. Always there, no matter how many times I try to detract myself or get out of it. Of course, I worry that people can see it, or that it may lead people to think that I am just bloody dull or boring. It was impossible to ignore, and by the evening it had become overbearing. From the point of view of sunday evening, the world seemed endlessly dark, with no hope in sight at all. P is being very supportive at the moment, and she is brilliant at keeping it all in proportion. I take the comfort she offers when I can, but I also feel unlikeable, and I reactively think I should be a better partner for her.
On several occasions I thought about suicide. I had to think carefully before putting that in this blog, because people can get very worried about such thoughts. I am quite familiar with my self, and I know that these fantasies are just that..fantasies, and they serve a purpose. They usually mark a turn around point, from which I normaly start climbing back up to a better state. They usually express the anger that I have, about my unhappiness. They put me back in control, funnily enough. It is as if, an adult part of me says "Ok, thats enough, get on with it, stop playing with fantasies and get on with reality"
Today, Monday, I did get on with it, and I attended an Interview (for work) and did well. It did my self esteem no end of good, and I'm better for it. Tonight I am out for a drink with friend S, and Sunday will be a fading memory. As always with these things, I will soon look back on it and think that it wasn't so bad after all. In fact it, was quite good! Amazing how memory buries all the crap!
Comments are always welcome! Leave your blog address as well!
On the surface, it was a good week-end, with a sunday afternoon meet for drinks and chat and eats, with interesting people in the TV and entertainment industry.
In reality, for me, there has been a rock solid unhappiness within me. Always there, no matter how many times I try to detract myself or get out of it. Of course, I worry that people can see it, or that it may lead people to think that I am just bloody dull or boring. It was impossible to ignore, and by the evening it had become overbearing. From the point of view of sunday evening, the world seemed endlessly dark, with no hope in sight at all. P is being very supportive at the moment, and she is brilliant at keeping it all in proportion. I take the comfort she offers when I can, but I also feel unlikeable, and I reactively think I should be a better partner for her.
On several occasions I thought about suicide. I had to think carefully before putting that in this blog, because people can get very worried about such thoughts. I am quite familiar with my self, and I know that these fantasies are just that..fantasies, and they serve a purpose. They usually mark a turn around point, from which I normaly start climbing back up to a better state. They usually express the anger that I have, about my unhappiness. They put me back in control, funnily enough. It is as if, an adult part of me says "Ok, thats enough, get on with it, stop playing with fantasies and get on with reality"
Today, Monday, I did get on with it, and I attended an Interview (for work) and did well. It did my self esteem no end of good, and I'm better for it. Tonight I am out for a drink with friend S, and Sunday will be a fading memory. As always with these things, I will soon look back on it and think that it wasn't so bad after all. In fact it, was quite good! Amazing how memory buries all the crap!
Comments are always welcome! Leave your blog address as well!
Friday, 8 December 2006
fighting the depression
Hi visitor!
I've spent the last two days pulling myself out of a murky old lowness! Today...I am improved, and its all down to old and established changes that I can use. I'm not out of it completely; but I am certainly better. It feels a softer, lighter, state than the angry and edgey depression that I have been in.
P, (my g/f) and I went to a buddhist meditation session yesterday. We almost didn't. The idea of hauling ourselves out and into the cold, wet, murky London night was not very attractive. We decided that it would be good for us! (What a terrible reason to do things for!) The venue was challenging too; it was a temporary hut in a building site, with a stretched plastic/canvas roof. It snapped and lifted in the strong winds that we had last night. Since the heat was blowing out of the roof, we were offered blankets to cover ourselves with. If you had entered just then, you would have come across four shapeless heaps in a circle gathered around a small statue of the buddha in total silence.
We were guided in a meditation that focused on creating positive feelings and attitudes towards others, and given how I have been feeling, it was a useful practice to use. I've written it into the blog on the right hand panel.
I did some cold calling to find work, which I always find challenging, but today I ended up having some great chats with people about their work. I am glad to say that I have been contacted about some work in the next few weeks by an organisation that I was interviewed by three months ago. (about f£$%^&ing time too!) I used some of the exercises that I have written about on this blog this morning, and finaly, I took a sleeping pill to ensure that I got a good nights sleep without waking up in the early hours. (Which is what happens when you are depressed). I don't like using medication, but they are a useful tool when used sparingly.
So, today, I am better. About 4/5 on my mood scale.
The challenge is, to stay positive, keep active, eat well, sleep well, exercise, be sensitive, and do whats needed when required.
See you later. Comments are welcomed!
I've spent the last two days pulling myself out of a murky old lowness! Today...I am improved, and its all down to old and established changes that I can use. I'm not out of it completely; but I am certainly better. It feels a softer, lighter, state than the angry and edgey depression that I have been in.
P, (my g/f) and I went to a buddhist meditation session yesterday. We almost didn't. The idea of hauling ourselves out and into the cold, wet, murky London night was not very attractive. We decided that it would be good for us! (What a terrible reason to do things for!) The venue was challenging too; it was a temporary hut in a building site, with a stretched plastic/canvas roof. It snapped and lifted in the strong winds that we had last night. Since the heat was blowing out of the roof, we were offered blankets to cover ourselves with. If you had entered just then, you would have come across four shapeless heaps in a circle gathered around a small statue of the buddha in total silence.
We were guided in a meditation that focused on creating positive feelings and attitudes towards others, and given how I have been feeling, it was a useful practice to use. I've written it into the blog on the right hand panel.
I did some cold calling to find work, which I always find challenging, but today I ended up having some great chats with people about their work. I am glad to say that I have been contacted about some work in the next few weeks by an organisation that I was interviewed by three months ago. (about f£$%^&ing time too!) I used some of the exercises that I have written about on this blog this morning, and finaly, I took a sleeping pill to ensure that I got a good nights sleep without waking up in the early hours. (Which is what happens when you are depressed). I don't like using medication, but they are a useful tool when used sparingly.
So, today, I am better. About 4/5 on my mood scale.
The challenge is, to stay positive, keep active, eat well, sleep well, exercise, be sensitive, and do whats needed when required.
See you later. Comments are welcomed!
fighting the depression
Hi visitor!
I've spent the last two days pulling myself out of a murky old lowness! Today...I am improved, and its all down to old and established changes that I can use. I'm not out of it completely; but I am certainly better. It feels a softer, lighter, state than the angry and edgey depression that I have been in.
P, (my g/f) and I went to a buddhist meditation session yesterday. We almost didn't. The idea of hauling ourselves out and into the cold, wet, murky London night was not very attractive. We decided that it would be good for us! (What a terrible reason to do things for!) The venue was challenging too; it was a temporary hut in a building site, with a stretched plastic/canvas roof. It snapped and lifted in the strong winds that we had last night. Since the heat was blowing out of the roof, we were offered blankets to cover ourselves with. If you had entered just then, you would have come across four shapeless heaps in a circle gathered around a small statue of the buddha in total silence.
We were guided in a meditation that focused on creating positive feelings and attitudes towards others, and given how I have been feeling, it was a useful practice to use. I've written it into the blog on the right hand panel.
I did some cold calling to find work, which I always find challenging, but today I ended up having some great chats with people about their work. I am glad to say that I have been contacted about some work in the next few weeks by an organisation that I was interviewed by three months ago. (about f£$%^&ing time too!) I used some of the exercises that I have written about on this blog this morning, and finaly, I took a sleeping pill to ensure that I got a good nights sleep without waking up in the early hours. (Which is what happens when you are depressed). I don't like using medication, but they are a useful tool when used sparingly.
So, today, I am better. About 4/5 on my mood scale.
The challenge is, to stay positive, keep active, eat well, sleep well, exercise, be sensitive, and do whats needed when required.
See you later. Comments are welcomed!
I've spent the last two days pulling myself out of a murky old lowness! Today...I am improved, and its all down to old and established changes that I can use. I'm not out of it completely; but I am certainly better. It feels a softer, lighter, state than the angry and edgey depression that I have been in.
P, (my g/f) and I went to a buddhist meditation session yesterday. We almost didn't. The idea of hauling ourselves out and into the cold, wet, murky London night was not very attractive. We decided that it would be good for us! (What a terrible reason to do things for!) The venue was challenging too; it was a temporary hut in a building site, with a stretched plastic/canvas roof. It snapped and lifted in the strong winds that we had last night. Since the heat was blowing out of the roof, we were offered blankets to cover ourselves with. If you had entered just then, you would have come across four shapeless heaps in a circle gathered around a small statue of the buddha in total silence.
We were guided in a meditation that focused on creating positive feelings and attitudes towards others, and given how I have been feeling, it was a useful practice to use. I've written it into the blog on the right hand panel.
I did some cold calling to find work, which I always find challenging, but today I ended up having some great chats with people about their work. I am glad to say that I have been contacted about some work in the next few weeks by an organisation that I was interviewed by three months ago. (about f£$%^&ing time too!) I used some of the exercises that I have written about on this blog this morning, and finaly, I took a sleeping pill to ensure that I got a good nights sleep without waking up in the early hours. (Which is what happens when you are depressed). I don't like using medication, but they are a useful tool when used sparingly.
So, today, I am better. About 4/5 on my mood scale.
The challenge is, to stay positive, keep active, eat well, sleep well, exercise, be sensitive, and do whats needed when required.
See you later. Comments are welcomed!
Tuesday, 5 December 2006
coping with depressed mood
Today, is NOT a good day! ( Neither was last night or the two days before!)
A lowness has settled upon me, and its been like walking slowly through sticky mud, just to get out and about. It is a persistent, cloying, unmoveable flatness of mood, that seemed to seep in from nowhere. I can't muster real enthusiasm for anything. Nevertheless, I have been here before, I know it will pass, so I get up and get on. I took a walk along the river front (London, the Thames) and everything looked darker and overwhelming. The buildings loomed over me.
My partner, P, asks me about it. I told her that I would just like to feel hopeful about something, anything.
On the face of it, I do have some reason to be down; I am not working, and my best efforts to get work have not produced a result. Paranoid reasons form in my mind to explain it away; e.g. I'm too old and everyone is ageist; No one gives a fuck anyway; My skills are unwanted
etc etc. I find plenty of reasons to blame myself too; e.g. I don't try hard enough; If I had REALLY wanted to get work I would have done it by now; other more effective people would have got work by now, etc etc.
The truth is, I know my depressive tendencies are ticking away here. Being alone so much in the day, and not in contact with working people, I have too much time, and in that space I clearly see my depressive thinking at work.
I am familiar with this flatness. Years ago, in my second period of more serious depression, I remember visiting my doctor ( a revolution in itself for me at that time ) and being able to read his private notes about me, which were upside down on his desk. (I'm very good at that!!) He described me as a "gentleman with a very flat presentation". Its a kind of emptiness. I still manage to get out, and remain active, but I am disconnected and distant from what I am doing. I prefer this flatness to its alternative; which is being overwhelmed by lowness. In fact its probably an adaptive protection. Its worse when I am in crowded places; like trains. Then, I find myself feeling increasingly sad and tearful, and overwhelmed by the crowd and usually, I have to get off and find an emptier train.
Anyway, I know this flatness like an old friend. I know what I must do. I must recognise that it is an unreal view of the world, and it will pass. It is simply my response to the situation I am in. I have to do simple things; eat well; sleep regularly; exercise; dont take on too much but dont ; stop completely; pace myself; give myself positive feedback; don't make important decisions whilst thinking depressively; and don't lunge after easy answers.
Here is my mood rating for the day (where 1 =very low and 10= very happy); 4.
Back soon, and hopefully in happier frame of mind!!
A lowness has settled upon me, and its been like walking slowly through sticky mud, just to get out and about. It is a persistent, cloying, unmoveable flatness of mood, that seemed to seep in from nowhere. I can't muster real enthusiasm for anything. Nevertheless, I have been here before, I know it will pass, so I get up and get on. I took a walk along the river front (London, the Thames) and everything looked darker and overwhelming. The buildings loomed over me.
My partner, P, asks me about it. I told her that I would just like to feel hopeful about something, anything.
On the face of it, I do have some reason to be down; I am not working, and my best efforts to get work have not produced a result. Paranoid reasons form in my mind to explain it away; e.g. I'm too old and everyone is ageist; No one gives a fuck anyway; My skills are unwanted
etc etc. I find plenty of reasons to blame myself too; e.g. I don't try hard enough; If I had REALLY wanted to get work I would have done it by now; other more effective people would have got work by now, etc etc.
The truth is, I know my depressive tendencies are ticking away here. Being alone so much in the day, and not in contact with working people, I have too much time, and in that space I clearly see my depressive thinking at work.
I am familiar with this flatness. Years ago, in my second period of more serious depression, I remember visiting my doctor ( a revolution in itself for me at that time ) and being able to read his private notes about me, which were upside down on his desk. (I'm very good at that!!) He described me as a "gentleman with a very flat presentation". Its a kind of emptiness. I still manage to get out, and remain active, but I am disconnected and distant from what I am doing. I prefer this flatness to its alternative; which is being overwhelmed by lowness. In fact its probably an adaptive protection. Its worse when I am in crowded places; like trains. Then, I find myself feeling increasingly sad and tearful, and overwhelmed by the crowd and usually, I have to get off and find an emptier train.
Anyway, I know this flatness like an old friend. I know what I must do. I must recognise that it is an unreal view of the world, and it will pass. It is simply my response to the situation I am in. I have to do simple things; eat well; sleep regularly; exercise; dont take on too much but dont ; stop completely; pace myself; give myself positive feedback; don't make important decisions whilst thinking depressively; and don't lunge after easy answers.
Here is my mood rating for the day (where 1 =very low and 10= very happy); 4.
Back soon, and hopefully in happier frame of mind!!
Friday, 1 December 2006
fighting depression....oh wow...this works!
What a nice surprise! Checked out my blog and found that comments had been left! It works! you can obviously tell that I am new to this. Spent some time working out how to respond to them.
Woke up today feeling good. This is revolutionary in itself. Mornings and evenings, especially Sunday evenings, are my worst times. Its also amazing when I consider the days weather. Its a uniform, drippy, claggy grey day, of the sort that only England can produce. Other countries have big, entertaining storms, brilliant sunshine, amazing winds etc, but only the UK seems to be able to produce endless days of uniform dull grey, in which the rain seeps slowly into your skin, and freezes your feet. Its a wonder that the entire population of the UK hasn't shot itself by now.
I went for a run on the local common. The usual bunch of dog owners in green muddy wellies were chatting in the park cafe, and eagerly discussing the little points of personality that they have discovered in their furry charges, who were fighting, biting and shagging each other in a snarling heap on the wet grass.
That's enough slagging off ! (or I will get depressed!)
I had a good day yesterday; I met up with my friend, E, in the afternoon at St Paul's Cathedral, and went for a coffee and a cake (or two, or three), and we really enjoyed a slow walk in the dark, through the the city's narrow lanes and paths whilst everyone else was hurrying home. Its quite amazing how you slow down when you are not working, and how everyone else seems so speedy. Then I met up with another friend, S, and we took in a cheap Chinese meal and a beer (or two, or three). I found myself really enjoying the convivial noise, chatting, colour and crowded bars.
How is it that I can get to be like that, and at other times I just can't get it? I just cannot get to feel normal and happy on a consistent basis. Quite often, like most people with low spirits or depression, I force myself to go out and mix. Then you feel like you are there, but separated from the group, and thinking that they can see all of your inadequacy and frailty. There is a brilliant scene in the film "Sideways" where the main character, ( a depressed guy going on a wine tasting mission with his mate!) sits down for a meal with a group, and you can clearly see and feel how he is unable to manage being there, and unable to handle it. He's forced to leave. The best bit of camera work I've seen in a film for years.
When I think about it, there are some explanations as to why I may be feeling good today; making contact with good friends; achieving some actions like setting up this blog; getting out and actively looking for work; and taking a few risks with my life. Sometimes the clearness and energy that you need is right there; other times its all just gone and I cannot get to make clear decisions.
Anyway, today I am meeting up with my partner and we are off to the cinema with a friend. Life is good! Today.
Woke up today feeling good. This is revolutionary in itself. Mornings and evenings, especially Sunday evenings, are my worst times. Its also amazing when I consider the days weather. Its a uniform, drippy, claggy grey day, of the sort that only England can produce. Other countries have big, entertaining storms, brilliant sunshine, amazing winds etc, but only the UK seems to be able to produce endless days of uniform dull grey, in which the rain seeps slowly into your skin, and freezes your feet. Its a wonder that the entire population of the UK hasn't shot itself by now.
I went for a run on the local common. The usual bunch of dog owners in green muddy wellies were chatting in the park cafe, and eagerly discussing the little points of personality that they have discovered in their furry charges, who were fighting, biting and shagging each other in a snarling heap on the wet grass.
That's enough slagging off ! (or I will get depressed!)
I had a good day yesterday; I met up with my friend, E, in the afternoon at St Paul's Cathedral, and went for a coffee and a cake (or two, or three), and we really enjoyed a slow walk in the dark, through the the city's narrow lanes and paths whilst everyone else was hurrying home. Its quite amazing how you slow down when you are not working, and how everyone else seems so speedy. Then I met up with another friend, S, and we took in a cheap Chinese meal and a beer (or two, or three). I found myself really enjoying the convivial noise, chatting, colour and crowded bars.
How is it that I can get to be like that, and at other times I just can't get it? I just cannot get to feel normal and happy on a consistent basis. Quite often, like most people with low spirits or depression, I force myself to go out and mix. Then you feel like you are there, but separated from the group, and thinking that they can see all of your inadequacy and frailty. There is a brilliant scene in the film "Sideways" where the main character, ( a depressed guy going on a wine tasting mission with his mate!) sits down for a meal with a group, and you can clearly see and feel how he is unable to manage being there, and unable to handle it. He's forced to leave. The best bit of camera work I've seen in a film for years.
When I think about it, there are some explanations as to why I may be feeling good today; making contact with good friends; achieving some actions like setting up this blog; getting out and actively looking for work; and taking a few risks with my life. Sometimes the clearness and energy that you need is right there; other times its all just gone and I cannot get to make clear decisions.
Anyway, today I am meeting up with my partner and we are off to the cinema with a friend. Life is good! Today.
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