living with depression: 2007

Sunday, 21 January 2007

dealing with competing depressions!

hallo everyone!

They say that this period after Xmas is the worst time for low feelings; and me and my partner P are certainly feeling it. Recently she has been struggling with a number of difficult things and she feels low. We were talking about the effect of all of this, and that was a relief, but also rather challenging, and it left us feeling sad. So we did a bit of self esteem building using a few of the exercises that are described in the adjacent column. It was rather lighthearted and positive.

There is a bit of a joke that we share; that two depressions cannot exist together in one space! If two of us are feeling down, there will be a sort of competition about who is the most unable to offer help.....and one ends up putting their feelings aside and supporting the other. If you are the one who ends up offering support, you can end up feeling rather resentful. One of the most difficult things to deal with is the fact that you may not have the ability, or energy, or desire to help the other. In an ideal world, we are perfect people who can heroically give unbounded love and support to our partners. In reality, we only have limited patience, care and love.

However, there is something in this. If we admit to the other that we cannot go as far as we want to with care and support for them, then they can face up to the reality that they must accept their own experiences and take the lead with dealing with them. This is difficult if we have low self esteem and self images, since we tend to believe that we are not being cared for because we are so bad, or unlovable. In reality, its just the limitations that the world has. its not personal. Just the way it is. Moreover, if we accept that our lovers and family, and friends cannot offer unbounded support, then neither can we to them when they are in need. We can only offer what we are capable of. And that is alright...but it feels very treacherous and full of betrayal. A hard thing to say.

I hope that me and P can get through this. I certainly feel that I can't offer her enough AT THE MOMENT.

See you again soon..leave comments please, and contact me by email if u want to on rgutsell2@yahoo.com.

Monday, 8 January 2007

hi blog and bloggers....wherever u are!

Depression and families...they go together like egg and bacon (for breakfast!) Well, the first blog of the new year! I'm back home after a week spent with my parents, ( in France) and I am starting some temporary work, after having a long period off.

Its been nice to get in amongst all the familiar things again at home, and to be alone for a while, after spending so much time with people. That is a luxury that many don't have! I was in a cafe having a coffee this morning and two mothers came in for a break along with their young kids; it was quite amazing how they managed to juggle having a conversation with each other, whilst handling their kids, and their needs. I recalled what it was like when I was involved in that years ago, and it came to mind how their lives can be fulfilling, but also unremittingly demanding and dull. What discipline, application and continuous effort it requires.

I thought that with all of that effort, it would be unlikely that they had time to indulge themselves with thoughts about their selves or their lives. Crazy. I remembered being depressed as a hard working adult/parent, as much as when I was alone and had time to think and reflect.

Something that I always note about my depressiveness.......when I am alone and reflecting, I have a tendency to think depressively. Not abruptly or dramatically, just gently and pervasively, such that over time ( a day, 3-4 hours) I will start feeling low. Why is that? Why do I get depressed when alone? Going to see my parents and meeting my family, always reminds me of the patterns that developed as children. My family almost NEVER talk directly about any of their emotional lives, and experiences. They never have. But we sure knew how to communicate feelings with moods. We each of us developed our own way of coping with these tense situations, and mine was to go away in some way...leave the room...read a book....use the bathroom....and fantasise. Lots of daydreaming and fantasies. I still do it.

So, I can see why a depressed pattern might start. Feelings and experiences that need to be shared and resolved, and that are only coped with by going away. People ask me, did I enjoy my time in France with my parents and sisters etc? Its a difficult question to answer honestly, because the real answer would be "NO"!! But if I was asked do I love my mum and dad and sisters, the answer would be, of course, "yes". Why do we do that? why do we persist with relationships like that? Duty? For me, being depressive, its been challenging to think about my misanthropic experiences and thoughts.

For the past three years I have attended a weekly group. Its members have become my most trusted friends. In an attempt to get to the bottom of this, I asked them, "Do you LIKE coming here? Do you LIKE people? This was quite a funny challenge. We are so busy thinking and struggling with stuff, we forget to ask if we actually like each other.

I believe that my not "liking" people is a root cause of my depression. Liking, means enjoying being with them, and that means being able to stay with them in the relationship. And enjoying the intimacy....where is the next book...the bathroom....what can I dream about?....get me out of here!!

Pleae do leave your thoughts and reactions and comments. You can email me on r.gutsell@btinternet.com for more chat etc.

Robg

get positive...

You have to WANT to get out of a depression. But you have to work for it consistently and sensitively. Its a skill that that you have to aquire. Being positive, even temporarily, is a state that can be achieved when you need it. This is an exercise to help you get into that state. It takes about 30 minutes. Sit quietly and comfortably for 10 minutes and get as relaxed as possible. Bring into your mind, an image of someone you like. For five minutes, keep this image as much as you can and repeat some positive statements about them. ( e.g."I wish you well", "You are a great friend " etc). The image will fade, you'll forget what you are doing etc, but that is just because you are human, like all of us! Dont worry about it, just bring yourself back to the task , as its the effort and intention that matter. After that, choose an image of someone you don't know well, and do the same. Then, (here comes a challenge!) choose an image of someone you actively don't like, and struggle with, and do the same positive thinking. Then spend five minutes doing the same exercise with all of the people together in your mind. Achieving such positiveness against the grain of your feelings is a good achievement. Of course it may well fade..but hell you can do it again later. Its the regular intention and effort that matters, not the perfect achievement.

fighting depression...with strength!

Here's a couple of ways to deal with a low mood (depressed or not!) 1. EXERCISE! (its true..reasonable, regular exercise has been shown to elevate mood and can do so regularly) 2. ACTIVE MEDITATION. Spend a few minutes getting calm and focussed. Create an image in your mind of yourself, standing at the edge of the sea. As the waves come in, breathe in, and as they go out, breathe out. Then, imagine a clear, simple message coming forward with the waves, a message that you create; e.g "I am strong", or "I am creative". Breathe this message in as it rolls up the shore towards you, in the waves. Hold it in yourself when the wave rolls back out. Do it two or three times, until you REALLY feel it. Try another message. This can be done in short sessions of no more than 5 to 10 minutes, and is excellent at challenging the low self-esteem that we can suffer from, and for lifting the mood.

What's real...and what's not!

This an exercise that I developed after doing similar types of exercises myself, in dealing with my depressiveness. When we are thinking depressively, we make assumptions that are just not real, but we believe them to be true. For example, when in the bar with my friend S, I was buying a beer at the counter and a really interesting looking woman stood by me waiting her turn. I automaticaly assumed that her unsmiling face meant that she would not want to talk to me. (I overcame this defensive thought and we had a short but nice chat about the film she had just seen with her friend). Its normal for people to have some defensive thoughts, but its not good to be dominated by them. This exercise is quite simple; you come to the end of the day, and you sit down and write ten thoughts that you had that were defensive and needed to be checked. You then visualise each situation in turn and "challenge" the reality of it. Be careful not to become self critical (no "I should have..." solutions) In this way you can open up other possibilities in the suituations, that are not so depressive or self denying. For example, in the situation that I described above, i could write... "There is no reason to believe that anyone who does not know me, would not want to talk to me."

HOW depressed?

Everyone who has suffered from depression has their own story to tell of how it affected them and what it felt like. One way of getting to understand how your depression works, and to get some distance from it, is to rate it on a daily or weekly basis. Its quite simple; imagine a scale running from 1 to 10, where 1 is as low, and depressed as possible, and 10 is the happiest you could be. At the end of each day, give yourself an average rating for that day. Do it for a week or two. You could also add a short note describing what happened that day. You'll possibly discover what triggers your depressive feelings off, and if there is a pattern. I did this and was surprised to discover that I did not know what would rate as 5. What is half way between 1 and 10? Is there a feeling of neither sad or happy? I discovered that my depressive way of thinking tended to make me fill that empty space with low feelings, rather than have non at all!

playing with images....

Here's a way of learning about your depression that does not involve intense feeling or difficult sessions with a counsellor! Its quite playful, and it lets you establish a comfortable "relationship" with your depression that you can maintain. First, choose a medium that you like. e.g painting, photography, music, poetry etc. Second, set up a reasonable amount of time, say one hour, when you will be undisturbed, and have all the materials you want around you. Make the space comfortable, with lights, warm drinks etc. Third, spend up to ten minutes, no more, imagining what your depression would look like, (or sound like, depending on your media) and then go ahead and create it! Make a note (mentally or written) of whatever comes to mind as you work. Allow the image, sound, verse, words, to develop as you work. Don't worry about being right or wrong, skilled or not. We are not trying to create a masterpiece here! You may wish to give your creation a name or title. (Winston Churchill, the British Prime Minister did! He called it "...that black dog") Check out how your thoughts and feelings about your creation change or not over the next few days. If you are able to, take it to a counsellor or friend and talk it over with them. You can come back to your work and add more later. You may be surprised to discover, as I was, that there are positive aspects and values in your creation that contradict the view that depression is always a negative thing.