coping with depressed mood

Today, is NOT a good day! ( Neither was last night or the two days before!)

A lowness has settled upon me, and its been like walking slowly through sticky mud, just to get out and about. It is a persistent, cloying, unmoveable flatness of mood, that seemed to seep in from nowhere. I can't muster real enthusiasm for anything. Nevertheless, I have been here before, I know it will pass, so I get up and get on. I took a walk along the river front (London, the Thames) and everything looked darker and overwhelming. The buildings loomed over me.

My partner, P, asks me about it. I told her that I would just like to feel hopeful about something, anything.

On the face of it, I do have some reason to be down; I am not working, and my best efforts to get work have not produced a result. Paranoid reasons form in my mind to explain it away; e.g. I'm too old and everyone is ageist; No one gives a fuck anyway; My skills are unwanted
etc etc. I find plenty of reasons to blame myself too; e.g. I don't try hard enough; If I had REALLY wanted to get work I would have done it by now; other more effective people would have got work by now, etc etc.

The truth is, I know my depressive tendencies are ticking away here. Being alone so much in the day, and not in contact with working people, I have too much time, and in that space I clearly see my depressive thinking at work.

I am familiar with this flatness. Years ago, in my second period of more serious depression, I remember visiting my doctor ( a revolution in itself for me at that time ) and being able to read his private notes about me, which were upside down on his desk. (I'm very good at that!!) He described me as a "gentleman with a very flat presentation". Its a kind of emptiness. I still manage to get out, and remain active, but I am disconnected and distant from what I am doing. I prefer this flatness to its alternative; which is being overwhelmed by lowness. In fact its probably an adaptive protection. Its worse when I am in crowded places; like trains. Then, I find myself feeling increasingly sad and tearful, and overwhelmed by the crowd and usually, I have to get off and find an emptier train.

Anyway, I know this flatness like an old friend. I know what I must do. I must recognise that it is an unreal view of the world, and it will pass. It is simply my response to the situation I am in. I have to do simple things; eat well; sleep regularly; exercise; dont take on too much but dont ; stop completely; pace myself; give myself positive feedback; don't make important decisions whilst thinking depressively; and don't lunge after easy answers.

Here is my mood rating for the day (where 1 =very low and 10= very happy); 4.

Back soon, and hopefully in happier frame of mind!!

fighting depression....oh wow...this works!

What a nice surprise! Checked out my blog and found that comments had been left! It works! you can obviously tell that I am new to this. Spent some time working out how to respond to them.

Woke up today feeling good. This is revolutionary in itself. Mornings and evenings, especially Sunday evenings, are my worst times. Its also amazing when I consider the days weather. Its a uniform, drippy, claggy grey day, of the sort that only England can produce. Other countries have big, entertaining storms, brilliant sunshine, amazing winds etc, but only the UK seems to be able to produce endless days of uniform dull grey, in which the rain seeps slowly into your skin, and freezes your feet. Its a wonder that the entire population of the UK hasn't shot itself by now.

I went for a run on the local common. The usual bunch of dog owners in green muddy wellies were chatting in the park cafe, and eagerly discussing the little points of personality that they have discovered in their furry charges, who were fighting, biting and shagging each other in a snarling heap on the wet grass.

That's enough slagging off ! (or I will get depressed!)

I had a good day yesterday; I met up with my friend, E, in the afternoon at St Paul's Cathedral, and went for a coffee and a cake (or two, or three), and we really enjoyed a slow walk in the dark, through the the city's narrow lanes and paths whilst everyone else was hurrying home. Its quite amazing how you slow down when you are not working, and how everyone else seems so speedy. Then I met up with another friend, S, and we took in a cheap Chinese meal and a beer (or two, or three). I found myself really enjoying the convivial noise, chatting, colour and crowded bars.

How is it that I can get to be like that, and at other times I just can't get it? I just cannot get to feel normal and happy on a consistent basis. Quite often, like most people with low spirits or depression, I force myself to go out and mix. Then you feel like you are there, but separated from the group, and thinking that they can see all of your inadequacy and frailty. There is a brilliant scene in the film "Sideways" where the main character, ( a depressed guy going on a wine tasting mission with his mate!) sits down for a meal with a group, and you can clearly see and feel how he is unable to manage being there, and unable to handle it. He's forced to leave. The best bit of camera work I've seen in a film for years.

When I think about it, there are some explanations as to why I may be feeling good today; making contact with good friends; achieving some actions like setting up this blog; getting out and actively looking for work; and taking a few risks with my life. Sometimes the clearness and energy that you need is right there; other times its all just gone and I cannot get to make clear decisions.

Anyway, today I am meeting up with my partner and we are off to the cinema with a friend. Life is good! Today.

Depression and Relationships....don't you just love them!

The sun was up this morning, and the day is bright and clear. My partner, P , went off to work expecting to have a difficult day. She'd been worrying about it the previous evening. I'd tried to delicately walk that fine line of being supportive and understanding, and not letting it bring my own mood down, but I was not successful.

I am off work at the moment, and so I made my way over to the usual cafe, for the usual morning coffee. Its so nice to wander slowly along the street, and take in the dry roasted brown of the autumn leaves, the as yet unopened shop fronts, the quietness (compared to the coming bustle of the day), and the smell of hot bacon sandwiches.

Over my coffee, I remembered a conversation with a friend of several years ago, who had said;

We have to be careful, in case our depressions get together and take us over!" and then laughed
about it.

The way that she had said it surprised me. It was if she had described her depression as a well understood companion. She knew about it, had experienced it, even liked parts of it. She seemed to see it as always there, on the periphery of her vision, whilst she got on with life.

I have thought a lot about the idea of "forming a relationship" with my depression. Having such a relationship means that it can be explored, in just the same way as you'd explore a relationship with a friend, parent or lover. Just as these people are not ever the perfect lovers, friends, or parents, or the absolute enemies, neither are our depressions. If you have a relationship with it, you can see how you can both like it, and hate it. In just the same way that you might get bored and indifferent about your other relationships, so you can be disinterested and inactive with your depression.

Relationships once begun, are never ended. They may be forgotten or ignored, but they all remain, even if it only as fragments of our memories. When we re-read our old diaries, (or poetry, or other creations) we are surprised by how relationships that seemed so involving and all consuming and important at the time, have now become forgotten episodes, that seem so.......unimportant!

Could we treat our depression like that? Instead of seeing it as something "wrong", or an "illness" that needs to be treated until we are "cured", we should consider treating our relationship with our depression as an entity in itself. With understanding, experience, and maturation, we will get to the point when we consider our depression as an accepted, and almost forgotten part of ourselves. A constant, but nonthreatening and receding presence.

Here's a few points that describe such a relationship;

• Depression is not an illness, or failing, it is simply a presence in our lives.
• It can be explored to discover its character and peculiarities.
• We can give it an identity, or image, much as we do with each other.
• We can enter into a discourse with it!
• We can admit to loving parts of it, and needing it for a while.
• We can allow the relationship to change, and eventually fade, just as we do with other relationships.
• There is no "ending" to the relationship; we merely move on to other relationships that we choose.

(NOTE; just to be clear about this, I am referring here to depression as experienced by most of us at some point in the normal course of our lives. I am not referring to depression that has an organic cause e.g post natal depression etc, or the more severe forms of depression associated with acute mental disorders. Nor should these ideas and discussions be seen as a replacement for prescribed treatments.)

coping with depression....a good day to start!

WELCOME TO MY BLOG!

I'M GLAD YOU'VE ARRIVED.......This is the first step in the realisation of an idea that's been hanging around in my mind for a while. I hope that you will like it, join in, and take whatever you can from it into your life.

Its a lovely clear and cold autumn day as I write, and it seems a good day to start.

Here is the idea; Along with many other people, I have struggled to cope with, and understand, depression. I have had at least two serious episodes in the 54 years of my life, and several lesser ones. In the course of dealing with them, I have used up most of the available ideas and treatments in one form or another; anti-depressants, counseling, groupwork, books etc etc etc.

And you know what...I have arrived at the understanding that we each have to come to our own concept of what "depression" is, and how to deal with it.

So that is what my blog is about.

Over the course of the blog, I am going to write about my own experiences of life and how I think about my depressiveness.

As I write this I think that for some people, a blog about depression could be......well......depressing!

But thats not how depression works. The popular idea of a depressed person is some one who LOOKS depressed, LOOKS moody, is probably suicidal, will need a lot of sympathy, and needs to sort their life out. This idea is wrong. Most depressed people live outwardly normal lives, and many of us don't even know we are depressed!

SO, my blog will not be depressing! It will be....insightful, interesting, philosophical, funny (sometimes), and valueable!

It will be useful and stimulating for anyone, depressed or not. You might be a friend of someone who is feeling low, or you might have a depressed family member, or you may actually be depressed, or you might just be an interested person.

I hope you will read it, join in, contribute, and benefit from it.